this post will be all about myself. its been really long i did a self-reflection.

nobody was really bothering me much recently and all i have to say i am much happier than before. the reason is because i have decided to wash my hands off many things and don't be too bothered. anything that is making me unhappy, i will just forgive, but no way am i gg to forget it.

i will always rmb how they treat me so i will nvr go back into the old self and treat them the old same way and get myself hurt again.

while behaving like this, sometimes i ask myself, who am i actually. am i the KaiLing that my friends, family and lover know? have i changed very drastically? i almost couldn't recognise myself. have i become more mean and unfriendly and become more nasty? i really hope not. but when i did, you people very well tell me ok, i want to balance myself, my attitude and everything. i dont wish to turn into someone that everyone hates. because by so, end up i only have nothing. that's not something that i want. never.

after trying to commit suicide that day, i have always been loving myself more. i swear i am nvr gg to do such a thing again. and ugly bruises have faded totally. it means that i should stop looking back. i should work hard towards my graduation and step by step move towards my dreams.

this incident really made me learn alot. i have always told myself, how lucky am i that i did to fall outside. i also learned to look at things in a different perspective. now, i only care for the people that cared for me. other than that, just leave me alone, i can't be bothered with you too.

anyway, i have been getting lots of loots online recently. and this is the most recent one, i just received it, the egg mouse. i like it very much at the 1st sight of it. now i have received it, i like it even more, although the clicking is really loud. i bought white colour. im very worried my sweaty palms will dirty it very quickly.

alright, im gg to sleep alrdy. tmr is web app UT. wish me luck, i dont wish to retake this module too :X

goodnight people! goodnight kailing!

hello excuse me. ahhhh.

im feeling like a whore now, i seriously is damn pissed off when i think of the incident this afternoon. _|_

i am really so angry man. the incident is:

my mum's helper wanted to quit for a very lame excuse and she told my mum on the 8th after work that she doesn't want to work anymore, because she is very tired. she will stop work on the 15th. den my mum told her and asked if she could help until the 23rd, at least wait till my holidays, and just nice my mum got smth on the 23rd. so 23rd will be her last day.

at 1st she said no, but my mum kept asking for her to help until the 23rd, and finally she promised to. so my mum tot everything is ok alrdy.

but today, my mum's helper, XXX asked her daughter to smsed me, and this is our convo:

her: Hi there. Just want to inform your mum that my mum will be unable to continue working for your mum. sorry for any inconvenience caused. XXX daughter

(after seeing this sms, i called my mum and told her. she called and called XXX and her daughter, but they are unwilling to pick up the call. i got so pissed and angry, i replied)

me: can you ask your mum to call my mum or at least pick up her call?!

her: she needs to tell her something?

me: Yes. it not why is she looking for her so urgently?

her: hmm perhaps you could convery for her through here? she's gg to persuade my mum to continue working?

me: i am not at home now, will you all please cooperate?! Am i even supposed to help convey the msg? its not part of my job. its your mum's responsibility to talk to my mum alright, please understand.

her: well, do make it clear that my mum has no obligation nor responsibility to talk to your mum right now. she gave an earlier notice that she'll stop work on 15th, so hope your mum will cooperate and not persuade her to go back and help. sorry once again.

me: excuse me, this has got nth to do with me now, i do not know anything ok. what i know is that your mum promised to work until the 23rd. this has really got nth to do w me. i think its just best your mum pick up my mum's call. they will talk, not us.

and they finally picked up the call, when my mum used Kords phone to ring XXX daughter. because XXX off her phone. but, XXX is unwilling to come to the phone, she asked her daughter to speak. my mum asked in a very nice way to ask XXX to come to the phone, but her daughter said her mum is not at home, and again, she told my mum that her mum is not obliged to work until the 23rd and its not her responsibility to turn up for work anymore.

and my mum answered her, but your mum have alrdy promised to work until the 23rd, den she said, wait ah, and went to discuss with her mum. like silly can, u alrdy said your mum is not at home right?

my mum was so pissed off too, she said its ok, never mind. and hang up the call.

woa, like WTF lah. if you promised alrdy, at least please turn up for work ok. in the 1st place if you can't just tell my mum truthfully, not because she keeps persuading you and you say ok, end up shrinking your responsibility and quit your job just like that.

this people are just plain selfish, they never spare a thought for others. imagine my mum couldn't find a stand in worker, how many days does my mum have to close the stall?

and its not that i want to get nasty with my words, i really just feel that its very irresponsible. try to put yourself in my mum's shoes alright! if you can't, just say no. if not, at least be responsible to call my mum yourself, not ask your daughter. your daughter is not responsible for your work. neither am i responsible to agree to you that you can don't turn up for work tmr.

i am really so fucking angry right now. this kind of irresponsible people, i really got no comments for you all, go reflect and think about it yourself.

actually still can be friends after you quit, but you want the ending to be like that, just let be.

i just really feel that you are losers!!!

alright, aft this post, im not gg to think abt it anymore, spoil my brain, spoil my mood.

whatever you all want to do ok. losers.

(credits to elina)

ahhhh.. its like finally, this semester has ended for me, just left UT3. but for now, no more assignments! YAY! finally, i can have a good rest tonight. since CNY, i have been staying up late to do my assignment. like seriously... URGHHH!!!

tmr not gg to sch, web app lesson just waste time for me, i go there, sit with elina and chat the whole lesson. take people's code, copy and paste and submit. that's how i survived this module. but who cares lah, i just want to do well in my UT3 and hope i don't have to retake this module!!!

finally i got some time to blog, with a little of pictures. by looking at the pictures, i think more or less you people know what i want to blog about alrdy...

its counted as friday now. tmr, im giving Nack away alrdy.. to a new owner, which i totally have no connection with, which means, i can never visit him at all. totally no contact with my dog. he belongs to them(Valerie's friend) from that moment he steps into the house onwards.

but it is just so much better than leaving him in the hotel. i really cannot stop tearing to the thought of him staying in the hotel. because i keep imagining that he is sleeping in this cold cage alone, waiting for someone to come get him, get him out of this place totally stranger to him.

he is so afraid of cold, afraid of being alone and such a timid dog.

i can never forget the time when we 1st bring him home. from sengkang, he is shivering all the way to jurong. so afraid to move, i have to carry him. even until when we reach home, he cnt stop shivering, never pee, never eat, never drink, nvr bark. for a moment i thought he was mute. but then not.

as time passes, i look at him grow up. when i bought him, he is 4months old. and within one year, how much he have grown. so much bigger and heavier. he is a very vain dog, not wanting to eat so that he wont be fat. until now, i guess he is underage.

not only he become much bigger, he became much closer to us. the fun and joy he bring when we return home, the accompany he given me when i down, and the silly stunts he did when i bring him for walks. the dog that enjoys being in the rain with me.

i only had him for 3 years, but he have been many roles to me. he is so close, just like my son, my lover, my dad, my toy, everything that i will need, he did for me, every person i need close to me, he played the role for me.

all this all this, sweet memories is supposed to be kept inside my heart. for me to remember because no other had such an amazing dog i had like Nack. i really hope that he can just forget me and live happily with the new owner.

i hope the owner is friendly too, i trust Valerie. all i want is someone to pay attention to my dog and love him.

i always say its ok to give the dog away, but i have no idea why the fuck am i crying like a mad bitch now. fuck. :'((

to Nack:

Nack, i really miss you very very much. i miss your presence around the house. miss you hopping around, rubbing your back on me, digging on my bed, lying on my lap, asking me to carry you, sleeping on my bed with your four limbs hanging, lying down on the floor with your hands crossed, performing the tricks you have learnt, standing up and resting on my legs, barking like you are acting cute, moving back with your tail shaking when i reached home, being so clumsy sometimes you hurt me... and of course many many more...

i'm really very sorry, i have to give you away. its the last resort. i wanted so much to keep you by my side, but circumstances wont allow me to.

im so worried about you. how is your stay at the hotel? im really worried that you are feeling cold and there's no one to stroke your back, tickle your stomach and play with you. you must be feeling very lonely right? so am i. i really wish to have you by my side right now.i cannot stop imagining that you will look up at me with your small eyes and long eyebrows.

nack, im really really very sorry to you, for not being able to commit in taking care of you.

but thank you very much, for the accompany, fun and joy, anger and sweats you given me.. you are really a very wonderful and faithful dog. you are such a dear to me. thank you for being there for me everytime im down. there's nothing i could ask of you anymore.

be nice when you are at this new home ok, there will be another dog to play with you. be a good boy, and you receive lots of love again.

while enjoying yourself, i hope you can forget me. do not remember me because im a bad owner, at the end, i still can't protect you and keep you by my side.

i have been dreaming of you very much recently, but in the dreams, you are just ignoring me. its like we are so near, yet so far. but if this is the reality, i will not blame you. you have all the right to ignore me and be angry with me, even hate me.

i will always remember you Nack, remember to be a good boy ok. i know you will. adapt quick and well, restart your life. everything is gg to be all well for you.

i just want to tell you, if time turns back, i will still want to have you as my dog, and even at my next life, i still want you as my dog.

i really miss you very much Nack. this saturday is gg to be the last time i see you, carry you. all that i can do for you, i will this saturday. thank you for being my dog.

dear Nack, I LOVE YOU. i love you very much, but for now, i have to hide it, deep deep down in my heart...

hi people...

im totally tired and run down. because of assignments and myself.

assignments are like water flow. when u submitted one, there's anth one. woa, sian, even now its CNY, im stucked at home with assignments. unless people come to my house, i am not stepping out. :(

and i got a little confession to share, it really cast a phobia in myself, i guess in my whole entire life.

it was CNY eve and i went home ard 4plus. i went to have reunion dinner with my dad, tgt w my uncles. i had a quarrel with my mum. i was so pissed off quarreling with her, because no matter how hard i explained, she never want to listen to me, i shouted, i pushed her and i punched my brothers. this is how things have gone. and to the last resort, i ran towards the window and sat on the window ledge. i fell, luckily inside the house, i wanted to grab a chair but my brothers pulled me away. 3 man, couldn't hold me, i punched and punched them, scream and shouted. i was panting really very hard until i couldn't even speak properly.

at that very moment, my heart was dead. it couldn't feel a single thing. even the bruises that i got, i couldn't feel them at all. all i can say is that the bruises are really bad and big. i couldn't be bothered to rub them, i hope that they will stay there forever and i be reminded of this incident. so that i will never do something like that again.

i am very lucky. imagine i really dropped down. the main point is not that i will die an ugly death, but what about those that i really cared for, those that cared about me. those that encouraged me and helped me so much in this difficult times that have passed. i couldn't just leave like that. i couldn't.

this incident really make me reflect a lot. my world is a mixture people that are scheming and acting to be friendly. i used my heart to feel, and find, for those that have really cared for me and love me. really lucky to have my friends and Jetro with me. you all really mean a lot to me, really thank you for staying by me and helping me a lot. not only about encouraging me, but also helping me with the issues of the my dog. all this may be small little things, but really, it mean very much to me.

all i can say is sorry, sorry for making all of you worried. this time round, i am really determined to treasure and love myself. only by doing so, i can love the people around me.

i guess this is not only that, i want to gain trust also.

everything is like new, its a restart of my life. i want to gain trust. i want to love myself.

sign, im missing my dog really much. he was adopted by my brother's gf. but for less than one week, they couldn't keep him anymore, because he messed up their place. it was a really long story. currently he is in a dog hotel. its really the last resort.

i really pity him, i have not seen him for almost 3 weeks, i wonder how he is doing, in the cold hotel, in the small cage. i really couldn't stop but kept on crying non-stop.

and i kept dreaming about him recently, but in my dreams, no matter how i call out for him, he never answer me. i guess he knows that i don't want him anymore.. :'(

pictures will be up really soon. im so sorry, my busy and messed up life. got no time... :S

sighhh... this weekend, im gg to move away from this miserable place, to yet another miserable place. yes, even before moving back, the kids are suffering so much of unfairness.

i really feel very 委屈 staying here. but there is nowhere i could go. i have no ability to earn money to keep myself living, as well as my poor little Nack.

know what, uncle never allowed us to bring the two dogs over because of very lame reasons like, the furnitures and renovations costs a lot, and the neighbours will complain. then why the hell can he bring the birds over?!

things have not been going very peacefully at home because of this issue. it is really unfair to the dogs and to us. seriously, he did not spent a single cent on my dog, why must he stop me from bringing the dogs over? and the most ridiculous thing is that i mentioned to him that he don't expect me to come home every day just to do housework right, and he replied me, if you nvr bring Nack with you, you will have more time for housework. knn. try separating the both of us, i am really gg to be extremely rebellious to him.

and recently, i have been really mean to my mum bcos of him. all the unfairness and anger created by him, i vent all the anger on my mum. she nvr scolds me, she is accepting the way i am treating her, and i am really feeling very bad. its not mum's fault. she could not do anything also. all of us never had a position to speak up except for him. life sucks, he is not actually that great.

i already debated all i could. i screamed and shouted till the extend i cried and shouted throughout my dinner, i really wish i could just throw that bowl of dinner right into his face. seriously, how selfish can he be? i really hate this controlling of my own personal stuffs. it is really unfair.

i really got no authority to speak up in this family. and i couldn't expect my mum to do it, because they will end up quarreling. why the hell do they even want to register for marriage? i fucking hate him man. its not like as if i don't have the ability to look after my mum when i start to earn money.

now i really don't know what i should do with Nack. we planned to force bring the dogs there, for sure im gg to do it. if not i guess i really have to give nack away, because i wouldn't want to put him in a dog hotel. there are so many other dogs there, no full attention will be given to him. and i have to pay so much. but if i give him away, it means that i can never be able to bring him back. seriously, what should i do?

Nack is not a childhood toy, he is a living thing, i should not deprive him of living and receiving lots of love. and recently, i got no idea why, we really got so closed together, he finally sleep with me on my bed throughout the night, sitting on my lap for a very long time and have awesome play time, and then its time to part.

no way i am gg to let things be like this, but there are really some things that we are not able to control. i don't care, im gg to bring the dogs over. im gg to put nack in the cage and have a muzzle on him, i really hope that he understands why he needs the muzzle...