what should i do?

you must be wondering why the hell am i doing here in the middle of the night yeah.

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i really need a hug right now, and someone to tell me that everything is ok.

i just want to know, is all the things that i am planning now is just some wishful thinking of mine and it will never even happen?! and all my loved ones are just making use of me and never realise i have things i wanted too?

why is this kind of things always happening? and yeah im stupid enough that i dont even know how to tackle it.

im just planning a short getaway for this holiday for Jetro's birthday so he can come and stay and i can celebrate his bday tgt with him and spend some time tgt since its so long i have ever seen him, but this plans are just what im thinking about. so naive? bcos nbdy want to make it happen for me.

initially i wanted to visit him during my holidays instead, and i have finally plucked up my courage to ask mum and she rejected me right away. yeah i know she will be very worried about me and everything, but can she feel, how my heart feels, why is the reason am i even requesting this?

its not im like blaming my mum, im just speechless for things that have become like this, to this kind of extend im going bonkers soon.

and even now, what i have planned isnt even confirm and i dont even have the courage to ask my mum. i seriously have no fucking idea why am i so afraid to speak up my mind, and then coming to regret everything.

yeah so now she is assuming that i will help her in the stall from the beginning of my holidays all the way to the day before sch reopens. fuck yeah. if no one wants to accompany, i shall make myself tired every single day, and bury myself in all the miseries and then be miserable myself.

for now im starting to suspect, am i being too naive myself, thinking that everything is so simple? and at the end, im the one at the losing end, and i believe im the one that caused all these to happen, ALWAYS.

Hi. yeap hi. :)

its been really super long!! good job. i have totally neglected my blog. all i know is that i have been busy with FYP and 2D assignment. when i have submitted everything, im stucked at home today, not knowing what to do.

ok i swear it feels so weird without have to chiong anything. i just sit at home whole day, helped with a little housework, watch shows. thats it, saturday have ended. (Y) AWESOMEEEE, but bored, and lonely :S

and now, one more lesson and sem1 is gg to end alrdy. time flies! we are busy with class work, den FYP, den assignment. oh wow, im sure DIDM students are really mentally strong huh. i guess without my cliques i would have wanted to give up alrdy? i also dunoe.

every single day, busy busy busy, but seriously, i never know what i am busy with and why am i even doing all these, its like no meaning to life.

i always thought i could enjoy this process, but hell no. it was a struggle. grades not improving and no improvement in FYP and assignment. sighhhhhhh...

i know the day when i have graduated, i will still want to continue my studies. maybe i cant, maybe i can. maybe i might i just go to the working industry perhaps? im also unsure. i know clearly, i still want to study, its much easier life compared to work, but i think i just dont have talent to study. how much effort i put in my work and everything, I AM STILL AN AVERAGE STUDENT. get it? and this really disappoint myself very much..

i told myself, in my previous posts, that i want to improve myself, i want to diet, improve on my grades, i want to save money, but ha, after 1 sem have passed, i achieved none. yeah go ahead and laugh at me. as loud as you want and criticise me. i think i just dont have the sense of shame and sense of emergency thats why nth have changed, i am not improving at all, and for that,

I HATE MYSELF.

i should say that this sem isnt as pleasant. i have no idea why too, but its just hell days passing by so quickly, torturing me every single day.

everything have its own problems,

FYP, assignment, myself, my family, and my r/s.

i heard that there are 3 stages to every relationship.

the 1st stage is like so sweet and aww, making people jealous of both, and they are like living in their own world, everyday, they must see each other, call each other, every single minute must know what they are doing, its just what the norms call it the Honeymoon period.

and to the 2nd stage when both starts to be busy with their own stuffs, and wanting to improve themselves, and then starts neglecting the other half. and this is the time when quarrels come and all the ignoring, getting angry with every little thing that gets into the way, and all the nonsense that both really hate. and worst of the worst, break ups. both believe that they can do without each other.

BUT, if both can bypass this period of their relationship, of course they can go to the 3rd stage,

where both live happily ever after. cos all kinds of bullshits in a r/s, and the most difficult time of their relationship, both of them have worked it out tgt. then they start giving each other time and more freedom in what they wanted to do, enjoying each other's presence and also enjoying the freedom they gave to each other..

i have always believed in this, because thinking from my own point of view, i can totally relate it, not bcos we are quarreling, but really, anyone who is reading this, spend some time to think about it, then you will know that you will need to appreciate each other and to be concerned more than to be angry with each other.

i guess both of us are just stepping and moving on to the 2nd stage or maybe in the midst of the 2nd stage, im also unsure myself, there is almost some betrayal happening and some break ups gg to happen. but i should say, lucky jetro was cool enough to listen to my problems and i did to his too, and then work it out tgt. really, there is nth such as impossible. everything happens, no matter how much trust you have put in the r/s, smth will happen, but as long as you are willing to work it out, its not a problem.

and im lucky he wanted to listen to me, and salvaging the r/s tgt. if not i guess we have alrdy broken up and thats it. yeah, anth burden to myself. then its when love turns to hatred.

but i really appreciate what he have done for me. what we have now is only photos and phone calls and whatsapp to communicate with each other. but i have never regret in my long-distance r/s and i can say im proud of it.

i dont care what others see him as and look down on him, bcos im very sure i love who he is, and the way he is. as long as he is still putting in the effort, i will never stop too.

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i love you all of my friends that have made my life so much better, no matter in sch or outside, and also my most sweetly annoying BF, my more irritably cute brothers and my parents. i love all of you!