:(

finally, someone talked to me about my relationship with Jetro, my cousin that went to japan to work, for the pass 14 years, he only visited us once and today he called me, asking me about jetro.

im really wondering if he is a spy from my aunts or not, but i really almost cried out. i dunoe if he is being concerned or what, but i just hate to see another person just asking and then despise us.

how am i even supposed to convince everyone that i have no problems with my r/s and everything is gg to be fine.

fine if you all want to think that i am naive, but at least i know what i want and i know what i should do. we have our own plans but i just dont understand, why can't the adults understand me?

yeah i know they wanted the best for me, i know they will be worried but i really will take good care of myself..

what should i do?

you must be wondering why the hell am i doing here in the middle of the night yeah.

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i really need a hug right now, and someone to tell me that everything is ok.

i just want to know, is all the things that i am planning now is just some wishful thinking of mine and it will never even happen?! and all my loved ones are just making use of me and never realise i have things i wanted too?

why is this kind of things always happening? and yeah im stupid enough that i dont even know how to tackle it.

im just planning a short getaway for this holiday for Jetro's birthday so he can come and stay and i can celebrate his bday tgt with him and spend some time tgt since its so long i have ever seen him, but this plans are just what im thinking about. so naive? bcos nbdy want to make it happen for me.

initially i wanted to visit him during my holidays instead, and i have finally plucked up my courage to ask mum and she rejected me right away. yeah i know she will be very worried about me and everything, but can she feel, how my heart feels, why is the reason am i even requesting this?

its not im like blaming my mum, im just speechless for things that have become like this, to this kind of extend im going bonkers soon.

and even now, what i have planned isnt even confirm and i dont even have the courage to ask my mum. i seriously have no fucking idea why am i so afraid to speak up my mind, and then coming to regret everything.

yeah so now she is assuming that i will help her in the stall from the beginning of my holidays all the way to the day before sch reopens. fuck yeah. if no one wants to accompany, i shall make myself tired every single day, and bury myself in all the miseries and then be miserable myself.

for now im starting to suspect, am i being too naive myself, thinking that everything is so simple? and at the end, im the one at the losing end, and i believe im the one that caused all these to happen, ALWAYS.

Hi. yeap hi. :)

its been really super long!! good job. i have totally neglected my blog. all i know is that i have been busy with FYP and 2D assignment. when i have submitted everything, im stucked at home today, not knowing what to do.

ok i swear it feels so weird without have to chiong anything. i just sit at home whole day, helped with a little housework, watch shows. thats it, saturday have ended. (Y) AWESOMEEEE, but bored, and lonely :S

and now, one more lesson and sem1 is gg to end alrdy. time flies! we are busy with class work, den FYP, den assignment. oh wow, im sure DIDM students are really mentally strong huh. i guess without my cliques i would have wanted to give up alrdy? i also dunoe.

every single day, busy busy busy, but seriously, i never know what i am busy with and why am i even doing all these, its like no meaning to life.

i always thought i could enjoy this process, but hell no. it was a struggle. grades not improving and no improvement in FYP and assignment. sighhhhhhh...

i know the day when i have graduated, i will still want to continue my studies. maybe i cant, maybe i can. maybe i might i just go to the working industry perhaps? im also unsure. i know clearly, i still want to study, its much easier life compared to work, but i think i just dont have talent to study. how much effort i put in my work and everything, I AM STILL AN AVERAGE STUDENT. get it? and this really disappoint myself very much..

i told myself, in my previous posts, that i want to improve myself, i want to diet, improve on my grades, i want to save money, but ha, after 1 sem have passed, i achieved none. yeah go ahead and laugh at me. as loud as you want and criticise me. i think i just dont have the sense of shame and sense of emergency thats why nth have changed, i am not improving at all, and for that,

I HATE MYSELF.

i should say that this sem isnt as pleasant. i have no idea why too, but its just hell days passing by so quickly, torturing me every single day.

everything have its own problems,

FYP, assignment, myself, my family, and my r/s.

i heard that there are 3 stages to every relationship.

the 1st stage is like so sweet and aww, making people jealous of both, and they are like living in their own world, everyday, they must see each other, call each other, every single minute must know what they are doing, its just what the norms call it the Honeymoon period.

and to the 2nd stage when both starts to be busy with their own stuffs, and wanting to improve themselves, and then starts neglecting the other half. and this is the time when quarrels come and all the ignoring, getting angry with every little thing that gets into the way, and all the nonsense that both really hate. and worst of the worst, break ups. both believe that they can do without each other.

BUT, if both can bypass this period of their relationship, of course they can go to the 3rd stage,

where both live happily ever after. cos all kinds of bullshits in a r/s, and the most difficult time of their relationship, both of them have worked it out tgt. then they start giving each other time and more freedom in what they wanted to do, enjoying each other's presence and also enjoying the freedom they gave to each other..

i have always believed in this, because thinking from my own point of view, i can totally relate it, not bcos we are quarreling, but really, anyone who is reading this, spend some time to think about it, then you will know that you will need to appreciate each other and to be concerned more than to be angry with each other.

i guess both of us are just stepping and moving on to the 2nd stage or maybe in the midst of the 2nd stage, im also unsure myself, there is almost some betrayal happening and some break ups gg to happen. but i should say, lucky jetro was cool enough to listen to my problems and i did to his too, and then work it out tgt. really, there is nth such as impossible. everything happens, no matter how much trust you have put in the r/s, smth will happen, but as long as you are willing to work it out, its not a problem.

and im lucky he wanted to listen to me, and salvaging the r/s tgt. if not i guess we have alrdy broken up and thats it. yeah, anth burden to myself. then its when love turns to hatred.

but i really appreciate what he have done for me. what we have now is only photos and phone calls and whatsapp to communicate with each other. but i have never regret in my long-distance r/s and i can say im proud of it.

i dont care what others see him as and look down on him, bcos im very sure i love who he is, and the way he is. as long as he is still putting in the effort, i will never stop too.

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i love you all of my friends that have made my life so much better, no matter in sch or outside, and also my most sweetly annoying BF, my more irritably cute brothers and my parents. i love all of you!

bahhhh... i feel like talking very slowly now. so if u duwan to listen to it, dont talk to me.

omg im like a dead corpse now, im awake, but my brain is empty. pfft. i want to motivation and in need of some creative juice now. where to buy?

---

during the holidays, i kept gg back to sch wanting to finish my assignment. but i did not complete my assignment, only halfway and now other work is piling up alrdy. this is not a joke i feel so stressed up. i want this semester to end, i want to watch alot of movies and have fun everyday!

i also went to donate blood. omg i have no idea where did i pluck up the courage from but i tell you when i was there, im like a ball-less dick. my palms were sweating all the way from checkup until the thing tube was removed. im so scared so scared so scared. almost on the verge of crying.

but overall, lucky still not pain. and i feel really great aft that! the only thing i am proud of recently.

... ... ...

ahhh... :(

sad life i have. grrrr... sitting here wanting to finish my work but cnt concentrate. not only that, when have the work load ever stopped? haiya. TSKKK!!!!

ytd we went for our FYP evaluation and omg the evaluators gave us quite negative comments. T_T for a moment im like so de-motivated and feel like giving up. there are still so many many things to do.

this sem is extremely busy, i guess its because of FYP, 2D assignment and also the rush on PD. suckers! this due dates all all round the corner.

i always told myself i want to do well, den the determination and motivation goes down the slope.

omg i need to find myself a new motivation. other things, i can dont bother to think about it cos i dont even know if it will happen or not. *angry inside* :(

ytd val have been telling me no wonder i cnt finish my work, and i think abt it, yeah.. makes sense.

they make me realise that i am not that kind of person that can sit down and do my work. even if so, i can last for long i will fidget around, make noise sing song. den ltr tired, duwan to do alrdy. no wonder i always cnt finish my work, even simple things also take very long.

omg this is a very bad habit i have to kick away!!!! ok bye i want to go do my work alrdy.

some one from above please protect me all the way!

recent night photoshoot with GW. omg look at the bad quality. thanks to my tripod! if i have money i want to get one alrdy. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. byebye.

FUCK FUCK FUCK! yes this is my mood now. i was doing my banner and side traced a little, i went to FB and was browsing through my brothers accounts. and it brought me tears. i have no idea why is this so, but the more i browse, i start tearing already.

seriously im not jealous of them but when in the hell they are living their life so easily and here i am stucked with all the assignments, PD, FYP, no money, no mood and got so stress over little things like this.

now tell me is it my attitude to my life is wrong. i have no fucking idea what am i doing. last time when i was working, i have this kind of mood, no studying i also have this kind of mood. i should just go bang the wall and crush myself and eventually die.

srsly things are not gg easy for me. NOTHING IS GOING EASY FOR ME. and nobody knows... i really hate myself for behaving this way. i seriously got no idea. im just thinking if i have lots of money, i should go spend and spend and spend. but apparently, i dont have money to spend lah WTF. stucked at home everyday feeling so moody. i really need to change the way how i control myself.

its no big deal right? why must i treat it like if i dont clear the misunderstanding i am going to die the next moment. but if i die, wouldnt that be good?

then all those that are angry with me and hate talking to me u all can have a peace of your mind. no one is gg to irritate u all, the irritant of your life is DEAD. FUCK!

nothing is enjoyable. nothing is fun. everything is about anger and no self control. yes thats me. fuck off now.

11th May 2011
-My birthday!- and i have turned 20.

meh. its like saturday now. lazy afternoon for me. i want to go for a jog later but i have no idea if i will go, or i will continue to rot at home. @.@

anyhoo, i always wanted to blog about my awesome birthday this yeah by my awesome friends, and my awesome boyfriend! but im so tired i just want to sleep sleep sleep. until last night my 30 mins nap turned into 3hours of sleep. so i only slept 4am in the morning, and now i want to sleep again. if this continue, i believe my bio cycle sure go crazy.

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alright, this is a birthday surprise from my awesome cliques! they know i have no sch on my actual birthday, so they gave me a surprise on tuesday instead. and im having DAV that day, im singing the birthday song while carrying the super heavy video camera.

well, all i can say is that i really appreciate their gestures and all the fun they have bring to me while studying. all the stress and all the fucked up mood can be chilled while being with them. i really cnt imagine how to survive this 3 years with only all the geeks, i can really cry and go crazy.

i have to admit sometimes their jokes are too harsh and the guys nvr give chance even if you are a girl. but lucky, i still can take it. hahaha!

and then that night i Kords gave me presents from Smiggle! he went there with his GF and they buy me 2 v cute eraser, 2 pencil and a notebook, well i guess i wont use them? they are too cute alrdy. :) and a ang bao from my mum when i wake up in the morning, its by the side of my bed.

but all im waiting is just wednesday, to go out w Jetro to sentosa. :) and now bcos of the that BiQin keep say me 有异型，没人性! wtf. nvm, let her blame me, she also know i very busy one, but i nvr forget you and Ah Ho hor! ...

i prepared egg mayo sandwich, seaweed chicken and drumlets for the trip to sentosa. awesome but i am the only one eating bcos Jetro 吃饱了! humph! HAHA! neh mind, my gain. :| of fats.

and this small teddy bear key chain is from Jetro! from a big one to a small one. but i still love it as much! he tell me, although small but the meaning is very big. yeah i know :) and its a couple bear. hahaha. and also got bling bling. LOL.

and we toured the underwater world, the luge the beaches and lepak there all the way. all i can say im very grateful for him to travel all the way here to spend a day with me and travel all the way back after a long tiring day. and i really appreciate all the little things that he have done for me.

and of course all my other friends too, whom have celebrated my birthday, and wishing me on my birthday.

i have no idea why, but i feel different for my birthday this year. i dunoe how i should put it but i feel great and much more appreciated.

alright, i have i finally finish updating my blog. for dunoe how long. and watching tv and eating and doing every thing. i know i cant multi task. pfft. byebye. aft this show im gg jogging!! :))

:) :| :(

yeah, i dunoe what and how i should be feeling right now. i am quite happy im living my life quite fruitfully as of now. i nvr take aftnn naps aft sch, because i rather use the time to complete my work or im at sch busy with FYP.

i really want to fully utilize my time i have with all the things i have. i have a laptop, a DSLR, a wacom but i just let them collect dust. i should make full use of them to learn new things. i duwan to just now a little of all these things, i want to know more and learn more. hope i will be able to master some skills..

yeah although i am living my life fruitfully, i am getting really tired man. i also feel my health deteriorating. my knees are the worst. last wed i went to swim for 1hr15mins straight and my knees are acting up alrdy. i dunoe what is happening. i really hope its just that there is not enough calcium. i dont wish its some injuries acting up now when i had a very bad fall few years ago.

and my gastric is being a pain in the ass. most of the time its fine, but when it starts acting up, its not fine at all. i duwan to grow old with all this sickness. i want to enjoy my day everyday with my loved one with no worries, no sickness and everything.

and im really afraid that wednesday comes a little too quickly? then sunday? SIGH!!! this one cannot be disclosed. its a secret and only my very close friends now.

dont worry, im gg to stay really strong and train myself to adapt to this fast paced society. i wont wait for the days to pass, i want to live my life where time is not enough for me and everyday is busy busy busy, so time pass very quickly.

cheers kailing, CHEERS!!! yeah i know its gg to be difficult and nbdy will understand how i am gg to feel. but whatever and who cares lah ok, i know what i want to do.

anyway, i had an awesome dinner and birthday surprise from rongrong and fershila. thank you for making it happen for me and xian. <3<3<3

the two organisers

and the two birthday girls. yeah, our birth dates are only 1 days apart. ;)

we had 2 cakes, a cheap one VS a expensive one. but both taste just as great cos its the thought that counts!

and we took a total of 30 polaroids. hahaha!

although its supposed to be a simple meal and it turned out to be a birthday surprise, we really had so much to laugh about, talk about and catching up to do.

its us, the awesome foursome. :) <3<3<3

and yeah, i really like this two pictures alot. i think this two photos will make me wonder one day, how have i lived my life, all that i have gone through and who are those that exactly stood by me all this moments.

especially this person. I LOVE YOU <3

Hello people. :/ i know its long since i have blogged. i'hv checked, the last one was feb22. its like apr25 now. its more than 2months!

haiya, its not that i duwan blog. but there is really nothing for me to blog during the holidays. u know how life-less i can get when its the holidays right.

but this time, its really different. there are so much so much downs during my holidays. everyday im just hoping that sch can start soon. i really have no time for myself. everyday is work work work. housework housework housework.

i cried. yes, i cried, even while working. i scald myself accidentally quite a few times, and i cried. its not bcos that the wound is pain, but its bcos im really v tired alrdy, and i really had enough of my mum's attitude towards me. she cant understand, i tried to help her whenever i can, i did my best, but the way she treats me when she is so pissed off is really treating me like rubbish.

even to think of it now, i really am gg emotional, i can feel myself crying soon. because that is really the worst moment of my life. i have been telling myself, i want to work hard when sch starts, i duwan to go back there anymore. its really hell.

although i earned quite a amount of money there, its really a torture for me. im really v upset why am i always stucked there, i feel so useless. im like a 20 years old alrdy, but im heading no where. that's why i told myself i want to study really hard when i go back to school.

with the money i earned, i bought myself a whole lot of expensive stuffs.

1. iPhone 32GB (with starhub $200 voucher)

2. wacom bamboo

3. 50mm portrait lens for my DSLR

4. feeding myself and my loved one with good food

5. went to universal

6. and of course save up the rest.

usually i wont bear to spend this amount just like this, but i got no idea, i just buy it. i want, i buy. i nvr consider about it. and Jetro always said, think for what, work so hard, its time to pamper myself. and this is all i got. most of it with the benefit for studies. yeah, i really wanna work hard!

its the final year of my studies i guess. i really have no plans on gg to a Uni, and i know my own standard, i know i can go no where. but i really hope i can do well in my portfolio and get myself a good job, take part time courses. i guess this is how my life goes, at least for now. i dont dare to think so far, although i have a dream, i dont dare to think. bcos there are so many things that are happening against my wish recently.

just like the previous post about karma. yeah, everything is just like gg against me. i tried my best to change to adapt to other things. but things are still just gg against me. i think im just plain unlucky. but i alrdy dont bother so much about it alrdy. my only aim now is to save up more for my future and study really hard. that's it. that's gonna be my life for now. dont bother to think so far, bcos when things screw up again, i will only end up crying.

and of course im not that depressed, i still have my wonderful boyfriend that always scold me and make me so upset at times but really very encouraging at most times. unknowingly, both of us have committed into this r/s for more than a year alrdy. i nvr expect it to be so long, but i want it to be counting on. :)

and my two wonderful brothers have really been showing me concern recently. although i really enjoy disturbing them most of the time, and make them so irritated with my nonsense, they have been really caring to me recently.

omg, i love them most.

and of course the people that have been supporting me quietly like my really wonderful friends. although holidays i really have no time to meet up with them, they have been really nice to cheer me up and i really miss them!

amd say hi to my mushroom head. i finally grew my hair over the shoulders. although i didnt really like the hairstyle, i managed to keep it from CNY till friday. i am really so upset and unhappy of myself. and i put the blame on Jetro and he have been saying sorry and sorry to me, and i really feel like a slut. i cnt take it anymore, i grabbed my wallet and went to the salon. its not that i wanted to blame him, i guess im so stressed up and i pushed all the blame on him. im so sorry. so to punish myself, i went to cut my hair. yeah, this short. actually i didnt want it so short. but yeah, im so depressed. so i cant be bothered with what the hairdresser do to my hair.

ytd i went to JP and walked pass the pet shop, and saw a few dogs having their grooming session. and it immediately reminded me of my sweet little nonsense dog. i went all teary eyed and quickly walk away. yeah, i really miss him. :'( and of course buddy too.. i really miss the both of them hoping around the house, sleeping on my lap and disturbing them.

whenever im on the street and i see a dog, i will always think of Nack. im wondering how is he now, i think his fur have grown long alrdy.. sighhh.. :(((

and a LITTLE bit of USS pictures we took. omg. i love you i love you i love you!!! i really appreciate all the care and concern that he have given me throughout my bad days. my really not awesome time to even be alive for the one second. without him scolding and nagging me and be really sweet after that, i really dunoe what will happen now.

thank you, my source of encouragement and happiness. :) i love you deep deep! thank you for being so sweet after u scold me, if not im really gg to turn emo and ignore you for days! hehehe! :))