just when i thought that things have changed a little better, everything goes haywire again. seriously, what is it that i have done wrong, i am treated this way?? and if it is me that u are going against, please, do it to my only, don't do it to my boyfriend, he doesn't deserve all these bullshits.

i seriously dunoe what is happening, what is going on, what i should do, and what i can do. my mind is just so blank, so so blank... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

i really hate myself for not knowing how to handle the problem. but things are just difficult to go back and be like the past. maybe for you, you can, but this is definitely not gg to be expected from me, for all the heartbreak you have done to me, it is enough to discriminate me, from a hero to a zero. i dunoe from where i can stand up again, i really don't.

i really hate crying to sleep, and waking up to the same old bullshits again.

sometimes i wish i could just die in my sleep, and never be awake anymore.

my heart sank again tonight. i feel like a useless person that can never handle things well, i wish i am strong enough to hold back my tears, but i am just not strong enough.

what i am going through now just can't be explained in a few words or two. i just hate being me now. everything is no longer the same. i hate my life, i can die.

oh oh oh, i got my D5000 with Jetro ytd at funan... (Y) and we had a good long chat over at esplanade. :)

and some decisions were made. and i freaking cried again. i dunoe what is happening. i seemed to be washing my face with tears so regularly. but spare me, i really felt the heartpain and confusion inside me. but whatever happens, we are gg to work damn hard.

and of course, i got nice pictures with Jetro definitely. using the new DSLR as well as my digi cam, shall upload them when im in sch tmr.

today was field trip to the zoo for drawing lesson. it was well all so awesome and tiring. i have feet that is breaking soon. but i get to learn how to use my camera there, and i got really ugly drawings. and i have yet to complete them.. maybe tmr yeah.

and home is the suckiest place i will wanna be at afterall. i dragged all my time to come home slowly. and i reached at abt 7pm today. i just hate to stay home recently, its just about being in the room. and i really dunoe, why is all this falling upon me all at once? im really gg to have a really bad emotional break down. i kept feeling my heart beating so hard. it is really very painful, and i couldn't stop crying. i couldn't enjoy what im doing and i dunoe what im doing at all.

i really hope i know the purpose of what im doing now. and really quickly regain my clear set of mind to think and do my work well. i really wanna do well in my studies and have a good future, because i noe family and home is no longer the place where i get my support now and the place where i can depend on.

hi, im like back after MIA-ing for several days.

friends have been asking me what is happening, sorry, its not that i wouldn't wanna share. but im afraid i will end up crying non stop again. :'(

thursday night was really a horrible night for me, this incident is just going to ink inside my heart forever. i guess this is a lesson heavily taught to me.

i couldn't sleep. crying and crying the whole night. really want to thank Rong, Fer and Xian for making the effort to ask, although i nvr reply, i noe they still care for me.

and for my wonderful classmate cliques, thank u for making my day during the field trip. sorry for being so nasty in the morning when i arrive in class. and thank you for persuading me to share, wanting to help so much, maybe when i feel better, i will just tell u all ok. <3<3<3

what i couldn't forget is while i was on the phone with Jetro, i was crying non-stop too. i cried before the call, cried after the call, cried before sleep. my eyes was really swollen. mind=blank. my heart really sank that night. i just want to say thank you to jetro <3

finally its weekends, im gg to go out with jetro. yay-ness! :) and super yay-ness is we are going to get the D5000 tmr tgt! :) and i guess we will just chill out at marina sq tmr. or anywhere we can be... <3<3<3<3<3

and oh yeah, i just bought 5 shirts from Gmarket just now. $55 fly~~~ (Y)

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR HATING MY FAMILY.

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR CRYING.

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR BEING IN THE ROOM AND NOT TALKING TO THEM.

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF THAT I COULD NOT CONTROL MY TEMPER.

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR NOT PUTTING MY FAMILY AS NUMBER ONE ANYMORE.

I FUCKING HATE BEING THE CHANGED GIRL.

BUT I HAVE GOT NO CHOICE, BECAUSE NOBODY CARES ABOUT WHAT I AM THINKING.

DON'T FUCKING ASK ME FOR MY THOUGHTS IF U HAVE ALREADY DECIDED.

BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HURTS ME THE MOST.

SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO SHOUT AND SCREAM AND DIE.

IF U WANT TO DESTROY ME, PLEASE MAKE IT QUICK.

I'M FUCKING NOT WILLING TO SUFFER IN SILENCE,

AND WHEN YOU ARE TAKING THINGS SLOWLY, IT JUST ANGERS ME MORE.

IT JUST MAKE ME HATE YOU EVEN MORE.

THE SADDEST THING IN LIFE IS HATING MY ONCE PILLAR OF SUPPORT AND LOVE. THOSE THAT I HAVE CARED FOR MOST IN MY LIFE, THE ONES THAT I HAVE WORRIED FOR. I REALLY MISSED THE TIMES WHEN I MISSED YOU, RANDOMLY CALLED YOU TO CHECK IF U MISS ME TOO.

I MISS EVERYBODY SAYING I'M A MUMMY'S GIRL.

BUT NOW WHEN I SEE YOU, IT JUST TURNS ME OFF.

AND IT SEEMED LIKE NOBODY HAVE MENTIONED I'M A MUMMY'S GIRL ANYMORE. COS I AM NOT ONE NOW.

I HAVE LOST TRUST IN MY FAMILY NOW.

I WONDER WHO CAN I TURN TO.

I LOST MY PILLAR OF SUPPORT.

I LOST FAMILY LOVE.

I LOST MY MUM.

AND I LOST MYSELF.

oh, life sucks for me again. family is really driving me crazy. should i even bother to care? i should just grow up quickly and move the fuck out of there. seriously, when i heard from Jetro just now, how i wish i can just call mum and shout at her, whoever cares about the relationship and everything, she is driving me damn crazy. so is uncle. FML seriously, maybe i should consider to move back together. i alrdy showed her my irritation ytd when she spoke to me about it, but she didn't care again! FUCKKK!

was so irritated with what i heard, with the thought of it now, i get fucking angry. NOW NOW NOW! damn, and i threw my phone when i came into the class just now, so pissed off, and have to do module selection again, because what i have chosen is not the most ideal to take in next sem, maybe i should just wait till year 3.

sch sch sch. i promised to work damn hard from now on. because this is the only stepping stone for me to move out from house. but if it is not for sch, i might just go and work like a mad woman, earn money and move the hell out of home.

anyhoo, i still have awesome people with me, i have my friends and Jetro. i believe my two dogs at home think better than the adults at home too. seriously, im feeling super down now.

celebrated Fershila's birthday. it was a surprise! hehe, with rong's idea and the help of Fershila's brother. YAY!we bought her a rich durian bikini cake from durian king. super nice to eat lor, figure out the bikini cake yeah!

and oh, monday drawing lesson was at causeway point. lame can. we are supposed to draw 25 rough pictures of a person and submit 5 drawings. so 30 all together. but from the moment we start, i give up. i was scrambling on my sketchbook, and online using kords itouch. end up, i got 1 freaking ugly drawing and 2 super incredibly dont look like human sketch. and i nvr submit also.

nvr do RJ also, i wonder what is gg to be my grade.

other than that, i also sharpened all my pencils in my pencil case. haha. look at them. and the mess i have created on macdonalds table...

and yeah! i plucked up my courage to ask dad for $$$ to get my D5000. im so gg to get it this sunday at funan mall with Jetro. and thanks Jiawen for lots of help too. haha! im like freaking bugging him with all the things i dunoe. and he is so willing to share with me about DSLR too. aww. touched man. hahaha!

field trip to arab street tmr for Art of story module.

field trip to Zoo on monday for drawing, and im gg to use my DSLR there. :) 1st photo shall be me and jetro lah! HA! <3<3<3

skype snapshots. oops. hurhurhur.

hey hey hey~~ kailing is in class now. freaking programming class. :)

today's PS quite easy, solved alrdy! i think today is can go home early lor.. hehehe.

today change faci, from Jason to Ben Gay. and from multimedia programming to Database.

today is like a fresh beginning! (Y)(Y). and YAY, managed to do the works. hope it can last all the way until this sem ends!

nothing to share for my weekend. hurhurhur.

sunday watched SHANGHAI with Jetro, monday was another slack day, so lazy to upload my drawing, got to do it LATER! 9pm is the DEADLINE. _|_

oh yeah, sunday went to buy earrings, vain Jetro wants to change it, and i changed it for him, its freaking bleeding!! OMG OMG OMG. im gg to JP to buy the alcohol for him later, and pass it to him tmr! work is tmr! YAY! INCOME! (Y)(Y)

btw, anybody can recommend any image hosting website not? i just deleted my photobucket account. damn. now my profile picture missing. hurhurrr.. ;)

URR. miss my jetro dear now!!!! :(

and i have switched to using google chrome currently. hope its working fine leh.

Jetro is updating his iphone, means no skype!!! damn. just hope his updating success lor, walao. he fail how many times, dulan how many times. hurhurhur. shall see his face tmr.

gg out tmr, where should i GO?!?!?!?! gg mad.

OMG. wednesdays at home is such a pain in the ASS!!
stayed at home the whole day, TO STUDY. UT is this week.
Drawing is yesterday, tmr is CST and Fri is Art of Story. damn.

Drawing was super TEDIOUS! we are supposed to do an A2 drawing with a prep work in like WTF 5 days. stupid. i pon programming lesson AGAIN ytd and chiong my assignment. those nvr chiong do their work in lesson.! -.- faci is angry. LOL! anyway, managed to complete all my stuffs, just that my final A2 drawing, left to right, getting no standard and no standard. damn. and my prepwork, don have time to finish up all the writings! urgh. but at least no more stress!!! ROAR!

all i did the whole morning is reading the 6Ps. damn. my CST UT1 was a freaking E grade. damn. i will not fail this UT again!!! TSK!


*anyhoo, this is what i do in sch. drawing lesson for tt day, and 3 of us decided to wear the IGNITE tshirt with geek specs.



this was on sunday, went to JB with Jetro and this was what we have for lunch. :)

omg. when can these adults give me a break? i have alrdy tried to ignore this family problems as much as i could, wishing that nothing will bother me anymore. end up? one big round, it still returns to me.

just received a phone call from aunt 20 minutes ago. WTF. she asked me how is the progress at home. like hello? i have ignored the whole family for how many fucking weeks. omg. i really cnt take it anymore. GIVE ME A BREAK CAN?! im very tired. very very tired. i really want to wash my hands off all these things. why can't these problems come to an end?! WHY MUST I BE THE ONE TO SPEAK UP?! WHY WHY WHY!!

i believe im not the person that holds this family. i wouldn't want to, BECAUSE NOBODY APPRECIATES WHEN I DO. NOW WHEN I HAVE DECIDED TO IGNORE, EVERYTHING COMES BACK AGAIN. HOW I WISH, IM STILL A YOUNG KID, NOBODY FUCKING BOTHERS ABOUT ME...!!!!

really feel like dieing, so that all these adults will feel guilty, that they shouldn't pin all these family problems pressure on me. and by doing so, they really can stop all these fucking nonsense, i think im more willing to it.

my mood is totally ruined. TOTALLY.

ouh. photos finally up, i saved my post and wait to upload photos in sch.
yeah, my internet at home sucks BIG TIME.

mood is really v bad recently. i couldn't take care of my GRADES, and i couldn't take care of my FACE. my face looks like shit now, above from all the pimples that are taking forever to heal, the skin are peeling off now, from the picnic that day. and my neck and shoulder skin is definitely peeling like mad. arms and things are at least 4 tones darker. hell ya, im loving it! :))

mentioning about grades going down, it is really badly affected bcos of the family problems going on. quarrels, disagreements, ignoring, everything. feel like dieing and dun feel like going home. even if i rch home, its straight into the room and room unless i go for my shower. so hate to be at home, i take my dinner in the room too. sad life.

grades are going down. to Cs and Ds. and yeah, i mentioned to mum about it. i did not blame her for the dropping of grades. but never will i expect her to blame me back, saying that im always on the phone with KpoJi, that's why my results are dropping. like hello, look at my grades at the starting of the month, grades were As and Bs. occasionally Cs.
now, its like Cs and occasionally Ds. fuck. im too naive to think that my mum will care for me, cos i care for her, sorry, im so wrong! SO SO WRONG!

now, as much as i know, i think im gg to wash my hands off her problems. my life is gg to be me, myself, my studies, my friends and my r/s. currently, no family, or maybe, no MUM.

but anyhoo, i still got wonderful classmates and friends that are always there with me. family are no longer nice. had some fun in sch. MADNESS. stupidity, but who cares.

*look at me, how many tones darker. =.=

*act one brother, look clearly, u can see my tan! HAHA!

*Alviss trying to act stupid infront of faci.

*ok, very fail, im trying to hug the BIG pillar, end up got a bruise on my KNEE, and its ugly!

Whatever u give a woman, she will make it greater. Give her sperm, she will give u a baby. Give her a house, she will give u a home. Give her groceries, she will give u a meal. Give her a smile n she will give u her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if u give her crap, be...... ready to receive a ton of shit... Post it on your wall if u agree!

kope from FB, my friends status! SO TRUE!
STUDY STUDY STUDY, As As As As As!!!