Hi. yeap hi. :)

its been really super long!! good job. i have totally neglected my blog. all i know is that i have been busy with FYP and 2D assignment. when i have submitted everything, im stucked at home today, not knowing what to do.

ok i swear it feels so weird without have to chiong anything. i just sit at home whole day, helped with a little housework, watch shows. thats it, saturday have ended. (Y) AWESOMEEEE, but bored, and lonely :S

and now, one more lesson and sem1 is gg to end alrdy. time flies! we are busy with class work, den FYP, den assignment. oh wow, im sure DIDM students are really mentally strong huh. i guess without my cliques i would have wanted to give up alrdy? i also dunoe.

every single day, busy busy busy, but seriously, i never know what i am busy with and why am i even doing all these, its like no meaning to life.

i always thought i could enjoy this process, but hell no. it was a struggle. grades not improving and no improvement in FYP and assignment. sighhhhhhh...

i know the day when i have graduated, i will still want to continue my studies. maybe i cant, maybe i can. maybe i might i just go to the working industry perhaps? im also unsure. i know clearly, i still want to study, its much easier life compared to work, but i think i just dont have talent to study. how much effort i put in my work and everything, I AM STILL AN AVERAGE STUDENT. get it? and this really disappoint myself very much..

i told myself, in my previous posts, that i want to improve myself, i want to diet, improve on my grades, i want to save money, but ha, after 1 sem have passed, i achieved none. yeah go ahead and laugh at me. as loud as you want and criticise me. i think i just dont have the sense of shame and sense of emergency thats why nth have changed, i am not improving at all, and for that,

I HATE MYSELF.

i should say that this sem isnt as pleasant. i have no idea why too, but its just hell days passing by so quickly, torturing me every single day.

everything have its own problems,

FYP, assignment, myself, my family, and my r/s.

i heard that there are 3 stages to every relationship.

the 1st stage is like so sweet and aww, making people jealous of both, and they are like living in their own world, everyday, they must see each other, call each other, every single minute must know what they are doing, its just what the norms call it the Honeymoon period.

and to the 2nd stage when both starts to be busy with their own stuffs, and wanting to improve themselves, and then starts neglecting the other half. and this is the time when quarrels come and all the ignoring, getting angry with every little thing that gets into the way, and all the nonsense that both really hate. and worst of the worst, break ups. both believe that they can do without each other.

BUT, if both can bypass this period of their relationship, of course they can go to the 3rd stage,

where both live happily ever after. cos all kinds of bullshits in a r/s, and the most difficult time of their relationship, both of them have worked it out tgt. then they start giving each other time and more freedom in what they wanted to do, enjoying each other's presence and also enjoying the freedom they gave to each other..

i have always believed in this, because thinking from my own point of view, i can totally relate it, not bcos we are quarreling, but really, anyone who is reading this, spend some time to think about it, then you will know that you will need to appreciate each other and to be concerned more than to be angry with each other.

i guess both of us are just stepping and moving on to the 2nd stage or maybe in the midst of the 2nd stage, im also unsure myself, there is almost some betrayal happening and some break ups gg to happen. but i should say, lucky jetro was cool enough to listen to my problems and i did to his too, and then work it out tgt. really, there is nth such as impossible. everything happens, no matter how much trust you have put in the r/s, smth will happen, but as long as you are willing to work it out, its not a problem.

and im lucky he wanted to listen to me, and salvaging the r/s tgt. if not i guess we have alrdy broken up and thats it. yeah, anth burden to myself. then its when love turns to hatred.

but i really appreciate what he have done for me. what we have now is only photos and phone calls and whatsapp to communicate with each other. but i have never regret in my long-distance r/s and i can say im proud of it.

i dont care what others see him as and look down on him, bcos im very sure i love who he is, and the way he is. as long as he is still putting in the effort, i will never stop too.

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i love you all of my friends that have made my life so much better, no matter in sch or outside, and also my most sweetly annoying BF, my more irritably cute brothers and my parents. i love all of you!

bahhhh... i feel like talking very slowly now. so if u duwan to listen to it, dont talk to me.

omg im like a dead corpse now, im awake, but my brain is empty. pfft. i want to motivation and in need of some creative juice now. where to buy?

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during the holidays, i kept gg back to sch wanting to finish my assignment. but i did not complete my assignment, only halfway and now other work is piling up alrdy. this is not a joke i feel so stressed up. i want this semester to end, i want to watch alot of movies and have fun everyday!

i also went to donate blood. omg i have no idea where did i pluck up the courage from but i tell you when i was there, im like a ball-less dick. my palms were sweating all the way from checkup until the thing tube was removed. im so scared so scared so scared. almost on the verge of crying.

but overall, lucky still not pain. and i feel really great aft that! the only thing i am proud of recently.

... ... ...

ahhh... :(

sad life i have. grrrr... sitting here wanting to finish my work but cnt concentrate. not only that, when have the work load ever stopped? haiya. TSKKK!!!!

ytd we went for our FYP evaluation and omg the evaluators gave us quite negative comments. T_T for a moment im like so de-motivated and feel like giving up. there are still so many many things to do.

this sem is extremely busy, i guess its because of FYP, 2D assignment and also the rush on PD. suckers! this due dates all all round the corner.

i always told myself i want to do well, den the determination and motivation goes down the slope.

omg i need to find myself a new motivation. other things, i can dont bother to think about it cos i dont even know if it will happen or not. *angry inside* :(

ytd val have been telling me no wonder i cnt finish my work, and i think abt it, yeah.. makes sense.

they make me realise that i am not that kind of person that can sit down and do my work. even if so, i can last for long i will fidget around, make noise sing song. den ltr tired, duwan to do alrdy. no wonder i always cnt finish my work, even simple things also take very long.

omg this is a very bad habit i have to kick away!!!! ok bye i want to go do my work alrdy.

some one from above please protect me all the way!

recent night photoshoot with GW. omg look at the bad quality. thanks to my tripod! if i have money i want to get one alrdy. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. byebye.

FUCK FUCK FUCK! yes this is my mood now. i was doing my banner and side traced a little, i went to FB and was browsing through my brothers accounts. and it brought me tears. i have no idea why is this so, but the more i browse, i start tearing already.

seriously im not jealous of them but when in the hell they are living their life so easily and here i am stucked with all the assignments, PD, FYP, no money, no mood and got so stress over little things like this.

now tell me is it my attitude to my life is wrong. i have no fucking idea what am i doing. last time when i was working, i have this kind of mood, no studying i also have this kind of mood. i should just go bang the wall and crush myself and eventually die.

srsly things are not gg easy for me. NOTHING IS GOING EASY FOR ME. and nobody knows... i really hate myself for behaving this way. i seriously got no idea. im just thinking if i have lots of money, i should go spend and spend and spend. but apparently, i dont have money to spend lah WTF. stucked at home everyday feeling so moody. i really need to change the way how i control myself.

its no big deal right? why must i treat it like if i dont clear the misunderstanding i am going to die the next moment. but if i die, wouldnt that be good?

then all those that are angry with me and hate talking to me u all can have a peace of your mind. no one is gg to irritate u all, the irritant of your life is DEAD. FUCK!

nothing is enjoyable. nothing is fun. everything is about anger and no self control. yes thats me. fuck off now.

11th May 2011
-My birthday!- and i have turned 20.

meh. its like saturday now. lazy afternoon for me. i want to go for a jog later but i have no idea if i will go, or i will continue to rot at home. @.@

anyhoo, i always wanted to blog about my awesome birthday this yeah by my awesome friends, and my awesome boyfriend! but im so tired i just want to sleep sleep sleep. until last night my 30 mins nap turned into 3hours of sleep. so i only slept 4am in the morning, and now i want to sleep again. if this continue, i believe my bio cycle sure go crazy.

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alright, this is a birthday surprise from my awesome cliques! they know i have no sch on my actual birthday, so they gave me a surprise on tuesday instead. and im having DAV that day, im singing the birthday song while carrying the super heavy video camera.

well, all i can say is that i really appreciate their gestures and all the fun they have bring to me while studying. all the stress and all the fucked up mood can be chilled while being with them. i really cnt imagine how to survive this 3 years with only all the geeks, i can really cry and go crazy.

i have to admit sometimes their jokes are too harsh and the guys nvr give chance even if you are a girl. but lucky, i still can take it. hahaha!

and then that night i Kords gave me presents from Smiggle! he went there with his GF and they buy me 2 v cute eraser, 2 pencil and a notebook, well i guess i wont use them? they are too cute alrdy. :) and a ang bao from my mum when i wake up in the morning, its by the side of my bed.

but all im waiting is just wednesday, to go out w Jetro to sentosa. :) and now bcos of the that BiQin keep say me 有异型，没人性! wtf. nvm, let her blame me, she also know i very busy one, but i nvr forget you and Ah Ho hor! ...

i prepared egg mayo sandwich, seaweed chicken and drumlets for the trip to sentosa. awesome but i am the only one eating bcos Jetro 吃饱了! humph! HAHA! neh mind, my gain. :| of fats.

and this small teddy bear key chain is from Jetro! from a big one to a small one. but i still love it as much! he tell me, although small but the meaning is very big. yeah i know :) and its a couple bear. hahaha. and also got bling bling. LOL.

and we toured the underwater world, the luge the beaches and lepak there all the way. all i can say im very grateful for him to travel all the way here to spend a day with me and travel all the way back after a long tiring day. and i really appreciate all the little things that he have done for me.

and of course all my other friends too, whom have celebrated my birthday, and wishing me on my birthday.

i have no idea why, but i feel different for my birthday this year. i dunoe how i should put it but i feel great and much more appreciated.

alright, i have i finally finish updating my blog. for dunoe how long. and watching tv and eating and doing every thing. i know i cant multi task. pfft. byebye. aft this show im gg jogging!! :))

:) :| :(

yeah, i dunoe what and how i should be feeling right now. i am quite happy im living my life quite fruitfully as of now. i nvr take aftnn naps aft sch, because i rather use the time to complete my work or im at sch busy with FYP.

i really want to fully utilize my time i have with all the things i have. i have a laptop, a DSLR, a wacom but i just let them collect dust. i should make full use of them to learn new things. i duwan to just now a little of all these things, i want to know more and learn more. hope i will be able to master some skills..

yeah although i am living my life fruitfully, i am getting really tired man. i also feel my health deteriorating. my knees are the worst. last wed i went to swim for 1hr15mins straight and my knees are acting up alrdy. i dunoe what is happening. i really hope its just that there is not enough calcium. i dont wish its some injuries acting up now when i had a very bad fall few years ago.

and my gastric is being a pain in the ass. most of the time its fine, but when it starts acting up, its not fine at all. i duwan to grow old with all this sickness. i want to enjoy my day everyday with my loved one with no worries, no sickness and everything.

and im really afraid that wednesday comes a little too quickly? then sunday? SIGH!!! this one cannot be disclosed. its a secret and only my very close friends now.

dont worry, im gg to stay really strong and train myself to adapt to this fast paced society. i wont wait for the days to pass, i want to live my life where time is not enough for me and everyday is busy busy busy, so time pass very quickly.

cheers kailing, CHEERS!!! yeah i know its gg to be difficult and nbdy will understand how i am gg to feel. but whatever and who cares lah ok, i know what i want to do.

anyway, i had an awesome dinner and birthday surprise from rongrong and fershila. thank you for making it happen for me and xian. <3<3<3

the two organisers

and the two birthday girls. yeah, our birth dates are only 1 days apart. ;)

we had 2 cakes, a cheap one VS a expensive one. but both taste just as great cos its the thought that counts!

and we took a total of 30 polaroids. hahaha!

although its supposed to be a simple meal and it turned out to be a birthday surprise, we really had so much to laugh about, talk about and catching up to do.

its us, the awesome foursome. :) <3<3<3

and yeah, i really like this two pictures alot. i think this two photos will make me wonder one day, how have i lived my life, all that i have gone through and who are those that exactly stood by me all this moments.

especially this person. I LOVE YOU <3